KCMI - Counseling Tools

Place a check next to any of the following which apply to you

( ) you frequently review the details of a hurtful incident in your mind.

( ) When you think of a certain individual, you have a physical, stressful reaction, such as a tight throat or stomach.

( ) In church or elsewhere), you intentionally change your direction or wait before proceeding so you don't have to have contact with someone.

( ) You find yourself thinking, There's a time coming when he'll get his, or something similar.

( )  You think twice about going to functions where certain individual is likely to be.

( ) You keep a mental list of things someone has done to hurt you.

( )When you hear someone pray or speak in church, you tune him out, judging him to be insincere or hypocritical.

( ) It becomes difficult for you to worship when a particular individual is nearby.

( ) There is someone you have difficulty praying for.

( ) There is tension between you and someone, but you have not yet followed the biblical steps to reconciliation.

If you've checked even one of the above, you may be a prime candidate for reconciliation.  The more checks, the more critical it is to care of the situation - as soon as possible.

Steps to Reconciliation:

 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:  that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.  2 Cor. 5:18-20.

1. Recognize that reconciliation is commanded.

Matt. 5:24,(NIV) leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Jesus says we cannot be right with God until we are right with people. We cannot hope for forgiveness until we confess our sin to God ans seek forgiveness from the people we have offended. A barrier comes between us and God when we choose to hold something against another person.

2. Ask for forgiveness.

If you have offended, injured or hurt someone, go to that person and ask for forgiveness and endeavored to do what you can to make things right, you can feel confident that you have been obedient to the Lord. At times, a person will decide not to forgive you. When that happens, you must leave that person in the Lords hands. You cannot make someone forgive you; it is his/her decision.

3. Take a friend; confide in your pastor.

If a Christian has sinned against you, go to him / her and explain what was done that offended you.  If a person will not listen, ask a Christian friend to go with you and speak to him / her again.  If that person refuses to listen, then speak to your pastor about that matter." If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.  - Matt.18:15-17

4. Forgive.

Even if your brother or sister in Christ chooses not to ask forgiveness or make things right, you are to forgive that person and ensure that there is no resentment in your heart. Your primary concern is to be in right relationship with God. 

5. Press on.

After you have done what you can to reconcile with a Christian, you need to go on with your life. Your growth in the Lord is partially dependent on your decision to forgive and seek forgiveness if you hurt a person.

6. Pray.

Pray for those who have offended you or those you may have injured.  Also demonstrate that the past is forgiven. Never remind the person of the offence.

Remember: Admitting you are sorry or gently confronting are challenges; however, if you do not do them, resentment, bitterness and un-forgiveness will become part of your life.